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May. 1st, 2009 @ 02:57 am ***
Current Location: B
i'M ...: exhausted
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: R.Kelly-You Saved Me
just hope that all the effort

that i put into this...

that i will get back what

i put in.

sometimes in life, it doesn't

happen that way....

*sighs*
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Apr. 17th, 2009 @ 02:45 pm ...drunken words
Current Location: ROOM
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: My LIfe, My Love, My All by Kirk Franklin
i want to let you know linda,
that if in fact you ever read this...
you can be mad at me forever.
you can blame me for what happen,
hell everyone else does.

but aint no one harder on me,
then ME. forever in my mind that
i almost killed you for my stupid
mistakes. and stupidity.
but don't sit there and tell
others that im fake. if there
were anyone in life that

I WAS ALWAYS TRUE TO.. it was
you. i promise.


..i hope that one day.. you can
read this. and know how important
you are to my life. even right
now that i don't even wwant you
in my life anymore. fuck man,
you hella hurt me in other ways
that are worse but i can't help
but miss you and the old days.
fer reals fer reals..

even though i don't want you in
my heart anymore.. you'll always
be in there.. forever. because
i wish sometimes that i had just
left earth because of the burden


of the accident with you..
because even though im glad for life
in general and where im at.. i
think of that night. and that
whole month.
and i truely wanna kill myself.

*sighs* there.. i said it.
how could i have almost kill my
own blood.


im sitting here drunk but balling
i cant turn to anyone but the Lord.
itss so hard for me to go on with
this on my shoulder but somehow
someway.. im making it.....


...somehow
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Feb. 28th, 2009 @ 11:53 pm the movie HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Current Location: 611
i'M ...: crushed
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: listening to the boys play HALO
IT MADE ME REALIZA THAT I AM
THE RULE...NOT AN EXCEPTION..*SIGHS*
FUCK MY LIFE.

IM TIRED OF HAVING THE ALMOST
relationships. and seeing everyone
having it around me and shiet while
i just sit around and pretend not to
care..

oh wells.
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Feb. 25th, 2009 @ 11:15 pm searching...
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: exhausted
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: Lifehous- Your All I Want
so i basically read mostly all of my
journal entry and i come on here and
either vent and or cry. now im comin'
on here to say,
*sighs*.... im searching.. i really
am.

Lord, here I am.
check this out,
i got 2 As on my first two midterms
and then did a little better on my
bio but stio depressing.. anyways..

i know i didnt do that all on my own
but could it be that you were the one
that helped me?? even when i haven't
been to church in 2 moNTHS??? fer reals?
i kinda feel that it was you. i feel
that you know exactly what im going
thru with my faith. and that its not
tha bad things that happen for me to
see it but with the good things too.
wow, 2 As on my midterms..can you believe
that.. i mean, even though i don't feel
like a "REAL" christian cmpared to my
roommates, which is gonna be hard
for me to change, but i kinda feel that
you know exaclty where im coming from.

check this out.
GOD, you have done SOOOO MUCH for us
but ME. Lord, for me and how i repay
you?? sinning and doing stupid shiet
that just is stupid that hurts you
constantly..like i was the one that
stuck you on tha cross. easter is coming
up and its a touchy subject to me...
i wanna email the pastor matt from
sandals but i dont know why..i feel
stupid. he may seem cool but im gonna
be like wow. he might be like yeah there's
no hope for you.
somehow, i already know what he's gonna
say...so what's the point.


its monalisa's memorial of 2 years in like
less than 30 mins..and i feel the buzz
i really felt like it wasn't suicide to me
like she didn't take her life to be selfish
but to teach EVERYONE a lesson on how close
pain can hit close to home. i mean our
community have never really felt that kind
of pain. for Loco's we blamed the cops
for Ceemaz we blamed the streets..but
for Leez, who do we blame?? ourselves.
she had to sacrafice herself in order
for us to help out each other...but i wish
there was a different way.
someone always has to DIE in order for there
to be a change.

MONALISA, there was another way. where we
coulda done it...*sighs*
but we can't get stuck the actual action.
but the symbolic meaning.

MONALISA, im really trying to change the
community. im sorry for tha onlee time you
wanted to be loved, we couldn't give it to
you. *tears* love you sooo much. i stio
remember when the last xmas we spent together
and we watched kill bill with bby eco, and
he HATED ME!!...he was there for your big
day lisa.. he knows you loved him. he knew
it. ima make sure that he will ALWAYS KNOW
you loved him first!


*sighs*
022607..the day my life was turned upside
down.

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Feb. 22nd, 2009 @ 02:05 pm ...i miss you
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: lonely
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: Kirk Franklin: My life, My love, My all
wow. im in tears.
i don't even know why, i didn't
go to church today again. i havne't
been to church for almost 2 months
....wow. and i watch madea this whole
like weekend..and i feel like even though
i haven't been to church, i felt like he
hasn't forgot about me..

"my soul can see"

but im not sure dude.
i just wanna cry. although im doing pretty
good in school, i stio feel like something
is missing..
and Lord, i know its you.
but you know what im going thru right now.
please don't hate me. but right now, i feel
like im stio not worthy to see you. im doing
preety good in school Lord, but i am stio
ddepressed because i can't succeed with your
love.

people are always like naw fee, dont feel that
way and he accepts you for who you are..

but i feel like thats not enough Lord, you
deserve SOOOO much more. from me. and im not
giving it to you. i stio smoke and drink and sin
like every day. but Lord, i really am trying
it might not seem to poeple that im okay
but in my heart Lord, I am trying to be a
better servant to you. i just can't face you
in church. i can't face anything, not pastor
matt and not my christian friends. i really
can't.

i wanna go home. i wanna be with my family
right now...but i know im here for a reason
and The Lord put me with roommates that are
suppose to open up my eyes to myself and i
thank you....but now, its soo overwhelming
that im just crying. that's all i can do
that's what ive been doing lately. i dont
know what to do where to go...they are right,
i am literally +lost without you+ i know the
reason why i was put with these blessful
roommates and everything..to see my purpose
and that my way of praisin God was wayyy
different from the ones that close to him




Lord, hear my prayer, hear my cry
today is the first day of powder puff practice.
please just watch over me.
i will understand if you don't though.



searching for a soul to honor you Lord -Me
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Feb. 18th, 2009 @ 06:25 pm A NEW thing to add to my sadness...
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: numb
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: rock city ft. akon -i'm losing it.
i wanna cry. i really do. part of me having this livejournal is to just vent and cry and vent and then cry somemore...

im at the stage where im just just just soooo confused. *sighs*
like who am i talking to?? God? cyberspace? im so confused.
i stio pray before i eat and i stio feel like i i have my faith,
but lately, im just not functing well. im not going to church i haven't
gone for a month and a half..and trust that's a lot.
school is going pretty alright but

my life outside of school? blah. i wanna just cry dude.
i wasn't really that sad until i just found out something
and now it just shot me down like 12 inch double barrow gage.

fucccckk. i wasn't really into to him but why does it bother
me sooo much that he is with her?
why?
i didn't want him when i had the chance and everything..
and now..wow.

whatever.

im losing it
i really am.

i just wanna cry.
i wanna just sleep now but i can't i have band
practice in like twenty mins. so i gotta face life
with a frown. i know the boys will make me laugh and i'll
feel better



i just wanna cry.
i really do.
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Feb. 4th, 2009 @ 11:47 pm in need...
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: cold
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: Zipso: teine tama
i need help.
im losing it slowly and i know i notice it
but i dont think i understand how drastically
its changing me.

i mean i use to love to go to church..
but recent events, make me take it out
on not going to church.

i feel....


.......
..........
.........


















empty.
help me.
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Jan. 11th, 2009 @ 01:33 pm motu..
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: chipper
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: linkin Park; Leave out all the rest
i miss you.
i know we haven't been able to talk
cuz of all crazyness and shit
but i love you and i hoppe you can
call me.

love you.
Fee
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Dec. 14th, 2008 @ 01:32 am one down ten thousand to go
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: crappy
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: ...nothing
so uh im done with finals..
well i have been done for a while today..
and im trying to sleep..but i guess i can't.
im suppose to be by six to get ready for church,
but tell me why i can't sleep.

:(
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Dec. 12th, 2008 @ 02:56 am my letter to her... *sighs*
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: crappy
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: AKON im losing it
okay. so we kick just like one
night and thenn you vanish into
thin air..
look, update, im here at skool
trying to keep going with skool
but i hella wanna talk to you..
i always text your phone but
i guess your busy or ........
but i hope you read this. i miss
you. i have the picture
as my default that i stole from
your page :)
when i was up there in the bay
for thanksgiving..teo me why nigga
misi n lia helllla seen me on our
way to go to clubbin..lol. yeah i
was already ripped so i didn't
know what to say. :)
lol
well i really really like miss you
and love you just at least write me
or text me n tell me your okay
tears are falling as i write you
while looking at your page...i dont
know

you may not think im much to your
life but i hella value you a lot
i dont know y i do, but i really do
and i stio owe you lunch.. are you
gonna be here for loco's 2nd yr?
please tell me something..we can
kick it a little during..ima be there
its gonna be a little weird to see
everyone there but im going for a
different reason for him. so ima
swallow my pride, and just go and
show respect.
i hope to see you there??..*sighs*
so what ever anyone says about shit
...you know wassup.

ughh..please text me and let me know
you aigghht or at least trying..
fa reals..

*sighs*
(408) 469 6400


LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW SIS
<3
your NAU :=]
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Dec. 11th, 2008 @ 09:58 pm FINALS WEEK eeekkk!!
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: contemplative
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: TANYA STEVENS; these streets
i came to update.

UPDATE.
i'll do a better job on saturday AFTER my finals

TO DUECE, i fucking love you so much.
you have put up with more than some have their whole entire
life..

dont worry..if God brought to you it, he'll take you thru it.

LOVE YOU.



*OUTROz
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Dec. 7th, 2008 @ 02:10 pm numb
i'M ...: numb
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: whats left of me by Nick Lachey
i feel so numb..im literally in tears.
i feel like a failure...skool is soooo
overwhelming..and i feel like i cant do anything
right..

i felt sooo blessed this morning in church..
but now im trying to charge foward with my
life and the onlee thing that im known for (school)
i can't even do it right...

i feel so numbbb........


i got a C on my term paper for soc 144..
i felt like i knew how to do it all..
but i dont
and now i feel like this first quarter
is horrible.

im probably gonna get a C in one class..a B in one if im
lucky and a D or F in one..im pushing sooo hard but i feel
so discouraged right now..

i feel like its too late to quit. but i know that as of
right now..law school is not in the plans anymore..im just
trying to make it thru. oh Lord, i know your on my side
and i know i will make it thru. i am not doubting you
at all..im just feel like i failed right now..........
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Dec. 4th, 2008 @ 07:14 pm the week is like literally over :)
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: mischievous
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: Taking Over Me by Evanescence
okay so there's a party tomorrow and im suppose to go to it
with my roommates but i dont' know if im gonna go or not
lol.
i think i am. i guess im just tired. this week is done to me
i just finished my homework. so im all good for tonight..i really
want to drink really bad but im going to hold it until im done
with finals. and just get hella ripped after finals. iono.

okay..so OH EHM GEE BEEE RIOTTEEE BACK.
i just found a plan.
:)
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Dec. 3rd, 2008 @ 11:53 pm just came bak to say..
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: exhausted
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: none :(
i love you moduece!!
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Dec. 3rd, 2008 @ 11:02 pm ugghh
Current Location: room
i'M ...: enthralled
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: Until Tomorrow by Paramore
its sickening to feel that when we get close..
and something like stabbing in the bak ..just comes
and like i feel like we aint close anymore
uighh whatever. im just frustrated with my finals
and papers and midterm.

anyways.
today was interesting..some guys tried to scam me
wtih shit on campus..i basically just sat there and read
them like yesteday's newpaper. dude im a sociology major..
thats what we do. we call out everyone's bullshit lma0


but i have to go study right now for my midterm
tomorrow possibliy my final so i dont have to
do it anymore
lol.


anyways.
night

LOVE YOU JACKIE YOUNG
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Dec. 2nd, 2008 @ 11:44 pm hella hungry!! :)
Current Location: ROOM
i'M ...: content
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: WOMANIZER by BRITTANY SPEARs <3
okay so its like 1144pm and im stio not done with my paper lol. i was suppose to start at like 12 noon but went to sleep and was suppose to wake up at three and then ended ujp waking up at 6pm! so yeahh..lol..but i have a couple more to write. lol. i hella wanna hurry up and finish all this skool stuff and then i can relaz for a bit!

uhhh my concert for band is this saturday and i can't wait!
") now i gotta call my auntie for them to come thru n watch me but then again
that means i have to leave to with them and i can't cuz i gotta study for finals
week next week. then i stay by myself for like 4 days..then go home *sighs* shieet.
lol

but yah i dont care lma0

i'll wirte more later.

about my love life..i give up. im not gonna pursue anyone anymore! :)

im just gonna let the Lord be the judge of that..but of course ima blurt out random
shit about niggas to the girls lma0 i dont care but i aint gonna do it until i know
its the Lord calling them for me.


TOODLEz

LOVE YOU JACKIE YOUNG!
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Dec. 1st, 2008 @ 04:45 pm AFTERMATH OF THANKSGIVING BREAK.
Current Location: library 3rd floor
i'M ...: exhausted
CuRrEntLy kNoCkIn:: Until One Dat by J.Boog
so im guessing everyone is about to look at the pictures on myspace and be like
dadammn lol. fer reals..

shoot. well its monday and its like the second to the last monday of school. we finish next week and i can't fucking wait.


i got a paper to write.
a last midterm to study for
notes to write for band
2 homework assignments

n that's it. im done
dude im about to like fail one of my classes. im kinda over the whole im so scared thing cuz i guess i will just take it agen but at the same time i really don't wwant to take it agen. right now i should be reading but im too lazy. and then i should be doing my study guide for my midterm this week..maybe i'll do that.

last week was uhh..lets say speechless.
i dont know what to say and how to say it. i just loved the fact of being home but then fer reals, i didn't know how i was gonna get bak to skool modde and shizznit. but yeah. ima be in my room by myself! wtf?!?!?! after finals on saturday cuz everyone will be gone..fuckk man. i gotta figure out what to do. *sighs*

anyways. i learned a lot from last week. on the real meaning of thanksgiving.
i always learn something new but danng. some traditions were kept and some were added but most of all..i was ripped throughout the whollllleee day so i kinda didn't get to enjoy anything but the turkey and the stuffing...mmmmm hellla good. *sighs*

it was great to see my booboo modeuce on saturday. but i wished i was with her more but i just didn't feel good at all..dude to duece, i wasn't even gonna go cuz i was stio fali! but they made me go..and go in HILLS! WTF? so i was like sleeping lol.

i kinda just wanna nap right now..cuz im tired but i have to finish writing the notes for band. so ima go do that.

i miss him so much. he sang to me on friday and i was like fuck man..if you want it, you can have it any way youd like! lma0 hahahahha he sang until one day by jboog. and he hella guessed that was my favorite song. well it really wasn't my favorite song but now it is. fucckk i just become weak when i think of him. but he's far away.

and he's like pratically married. so it aint gonna werk out. but stio..he's like wow.
and then at the bar on saturday the security tried to get at me..i was hella juiced but the moral of the story don't lie to hot niggas. he thought i was samoan which i told him i was and then he started a conversation in samoan..im like..uhh lma0 hahahahhahahhah


whatever. ima nap. lol. ill be later

love you jac.youngin.
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Nov. 25th, 2008 @ 09:03 am EARLY TUESDAY MORNING
LOCATION: class. (soc 144)
MOOD: sleepy but exicted :)
MUSIC: nothing!!


uhhhh....i hella overslept so no one could go to breakfast
i just dont understand why they need me to go for everyone
to have to go lol.
dumbasses.

right now im in early class and i barely made it here. i stio
haven't packed or anything. but i guess i can pack in less than
one hour lol..fer reals? lol..yesterday was horrible for me to
even comphrehend but right now..i think im over it.

i seroiusly gotta always update this livejournal cuz i think
its healthy for me so that the only time i come on here is to
complain.
last night i was on the phone with sis until late but i also
got to watch desperate housewives..and boi it is getting good
a little dramatic but good!!..i hella can't wait to keep going
on sunday.im soo watching that! LOL

anyways,i leave to the airport at eleven am. i dont wanna plan
anything like reading..cuz whenever i plan..nothing ever seems
to go well..

i guess i'll come bak later and edit://

*JAC YOUNGIN..i miss you
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Nov. 25th, 2008 @ 02:19 am ConFusEd abouT DiS..
*for my samogan beauty*

So little time to say the things
I'd really like to say -

Before i even found the words,
The time just slipped away.

So little time to do the things
You feel that you must do.

So treasure, like the purest gold,
The time God's given you.

Your an inspiration to us all
and I cant even explain how proud i am.

Live your college life, have fun!
while your at it, find a man :)

-m02s shit f0r fee bby*
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Nov. 25th, 2008 @ 12:46 am BOss43!! lol..up late
im up with so much shit to do!!
fuck shit man.

*sighs*

SHOUT TO BAWLS43!
<3 i love you sis!

even though you hate my music!
its helps the numbness


*love you



JACKIE YOUNG...i promise ima keep looking for your mom
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